Motherhood made me invisible. From the moment of his birth, so consumed was I, by my brand new little love, that I unabashedly handed him my entire heart, mind and soul. Our identities were seamlessly linked and I became Adil's Amma - an inexperienced but earnest, involved but overwhelmed mom, racked with guilt, second-guessing and self-doubt.
Two-and-a-half-years later, I still feel inept and uncertain. It appears to be built-in to the design of parenthood - of bringing up a moving target. Just when a skill seems within reach, your toddler throws you a curve ball, leaving you totally out of breath - like totally not eating, one week, or throwing toys at you, the next (possibly because he's just so hungry from all that self-starvation).
Tonight, as I lie by Adil, soothing the shooting pains, from his growing knees, I decide it's time to begin my blog. To be visible, again. To evoke the person I once called myself, who most likely no longer exists. Perhaps, to make friends with the me I've become, since?
I must really need this space - to be willing to confront critics and trolls, and more terrifyingly, to brave the voices in my own head, mocking me for becoming 'another-mommy-blogger-with-nothing-original-to-say'.
He's fast asleep, now. I'm writing, again.
Hello, Amma Deepa Kamath! I'm looking forward to getting to know you, again.
Two-and-a-half-years later, I still feel inept and uncertain. It appears to be built-in to the design of parenthood - of bringing up a moving target. Just when a skill seems within reach, your toddler throws you a curve ball, leaving you totally out of breath - like totally not eating, one week, or throwing toys at you, the next (possibly because he's just so hungry from all that self-starvation).
Tonight, as I lie by Adil, soothing the shooting pains, from his growing knees, I decide it's time to begin my blog. To be visible, again. To evoke the person I once called myself, who most likely no longer exists. Perhaps, to make friends with the me I've become, since?
I must really need this space - to be willing to confront critics and trolls, and more terrifyingly, to brave the voices in my own head, mocking me for becoming 'another-mommy-blogger-with-nothing-original-to-say'.
He's fast asleep, now. I'm writing, again.
Hello, Amma Deepa Kamath! I'm looking forward to getting to know you, again.
The first line made tears well up in my eyes, you nailed it, motherhood, identity, struggle, for me anyhow, thank you, keep it up
ReplyDelete