Blue Deepa

When Adil was eight-months old, we took him on a highly-anticipated visit, to India. I had been dying to show off my little man and, equally, looking forward to the many loving hands, to hold and cuddle him.

Our trip was full of deep affection and incredible warmth, yet I found myself grieving the absence of a mother, to go home to - although I had lost her, more than a decade earlier. I returned from our long travels, depressed and totally exhausted - from running after a curious, crawling, infant, who was always on the move. My hormones were also out of whack, from suddenly switching him to formula.

For weeks after, I felt overwhelmed and irritable - barely able to get through a day. I was gripped by a sense of emptiness and purposelessness. Life had become an unbearable drag. It seemed like everyone else 'had it together' and I just didn't. I even envied Adil's ability to live in the moment - unburdened by anxiety and sadness and guilt.

But becoming a mother also pushes you to seek out your most authentic self. I had no choice but to accept that I was broken. I saw a therapist. I began taking anti-depressant medication. I learnt how to care for myself, in my darkest moments.

I realize now that my depression may have manifested postpartum, but began long before Adil was born. I got by, by fighting it hard, every, single, waking moment. But having a baby makes you vulnerable in ways you couldn't ever anticipate. It was like my entire being had been transplanted into this new little person - a bundle of constant needs. I simply couldn't cope. Having Adil, was like surrender.

There are still impossibly challenging days, when I feel like I'm falling into a bottomless abyss. But I have two fabulous boys - one big, one little - who know how to lift my spirits, and, more importantly, I pick myself, back up, with a growing kindness and compassion. It no longer feels like a battle. It's become a journey - towards recovery and joy and light.